I can't help but sing Usher's song "I love love, I'm just bad at it
I just can't escape all of these bad habits
I had way too many one nights, yeah
I keep messin' up my love life, yeah".
We all have bad habits. It's a known fact! I learned that most of the time we aren't aware that it is a bad habit because we have conditioned our minds to think a certain way. The way we have programmed our thoughts usually occurs after a major event. I remember witnessing an argument between a couple in my family. I was about 4 or 5 years old. I was eating and around many family members. I remember feeling a mixture of emotions that included fear, worry and, unfortunately, highly irritated. It was unfortunate because I yelled out loudly "would you PLEASE stop yelling, I'm trying to eat my food!" When I came to..I was shocked to know that I got into trouble for that! I felt they were wrong and not me! We were altogether cooking, eating and having a good time. I guess I kept that in my mind that I wanted a relationship filled with love, patience and peace. I don't like it when people are yelling and involved in confrontation. I feel like I have always been a peacemaker and I strive to understand both sides.
I am disappointed to know that throughout my journey I have had some relationships where I yelled so loud from being upset that I almost blacked out. I could feel what felt like warm blood feeling the veins in my neck and feeling dizzy as I was yelling. That is a scary feeling that I never want to experience again. As a matter of fact, I haven't since that particular argument. I left him and I left that sort of behavior. If someone makes me feel that angry, and it was quite often, then I don't need to be with them.
I have been paying a lot of attention to the things I say and do. I recognize the areas of my ways and I am eager to change for the better. It is certainly a work in progress. As the meme states.. it doesn't miraculously disappear. I always say it took a while to get there so it may take a while for it to leave.
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